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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

W.W. - A Matter of Life and Death

Now, before I begin, let's get something straight. I am generally a lover of all living creatures. 

Okay, now that we have that straight, I have this goldfish you see: 

And this goldfish became a member of our family when CR won it at her school's fall festival last September.  And let's get another thing straight.  I was not present when this goldfish was acquired.  I would have never ever let her play a game where a goldfish is the prize.  Hell no.  I've learned my lesson.  I've gone down that path before.  I'm no sucker.  But her grandparents are.  

So when CR brought this little fishy home after her outing with her grandparents, she gave me the typical song and dance that all 6-year-olds do about how she's gonna feed it and help me clean the plastic box it came in, yada, yada, blah, blah. Not only am I not a sucker, I'm no fool. I knew how it was gonna all shake down.  

And shake down it has.  Along with mama's breakdown.  

Along with the dude, the three kids, the two dogs, I now have this fish.  This damn fish.  And absolutely NO ONE but me does anything about this fish.  I mean, CR did care enough at the beginning to "decorate" the plastic fish box with stickers that say "Totally Hot" and "It's All About Me" and the irony of that last sticker is just too much for me.  Everyone in my family has totally forgotten this "hot" fish is alive even though it sits on our kitchen counter for all to see. I know it's alive 'cause I'm the one to clean up all that fish shit.  Is there anything more disgusting than all that floating fish shit? Ewwwwww.  It really sicks me out.

Every day I wake up hoping to find little goldie, whom we have not even named by the way because no one cares enough, floating sideways.  Meaning belly up. Dead. Gone. See ya.  

And everyday that damn fish is still cruising around his depressing little plastic container no matter how dirty I let it get or how many days I let pass without feeding him.  It's tough to admit but I think I'm really trying to kill him. But gently. I wouldn't go as far as to flush him down the toilet or accidentally drop him into the garbage disposal (oh geez, that's harsh) when I'm changing his water.  

So this week while cleaning up after dinner, I said to my dude, "I can't believe this fish will not die."  Now me and my dude never talk about the fish.  No one acknowledges the fish's existence.  This fish is only in my head and on my to-do list.  I am the one to agonize over wishing I could kill the fish but feeling way too guilty to actually follow through.

My dude responded - "You want the fish to die?"

"Hell yes!  I'm the only one who takes care of it.  I'm the only one even thinking about it.  It's just another responsibility and I have too much on my plate anyway!" (now if I didn't have this BLOG, I might be able to take care of the fish.) 

"Okay honey," he says to me.  "I'll take care of it."

"What? What do you mean?" I ask with a tinge of worry in my voice.

"Let's just say don't be surprised if you find the fish has had a little accident in the next couple of days," he says with a sly smile on his face.

Holy shit, what have I done??  I basically just hired my husband to be my hit man for the fish.  

Funny thing is?  I don't want to stop him. 

But I'm wondering...what kind of punishment can you get for being an accomplice to a goldfish murder?

Yes this is another installment of Angie's WordFUL Wednesdays. Thank God for words.


  1. And you've just incriminated yourself by blogging about it! Aha! There is no hope for your defense.

  2. Good that you have a hit man! Why don't you send your gold fish over to my place. I love fish, especially fried ones! LOL!

  3. Oops. Be careful what you wish (ask) for!

  4. One of our cats did the dirty deed for me one day -- and I didn't even have to ask her! She just knew.

  5. This was soooooo very funny to read because all of us moms take care of that fish that just won't die! I hope it is a painless death and that your hitman doesn't release details

  6. Yeah...I know that gig! I am now the sole caretaker for two dogs, eight cats, three guinea pigs, and 50 or so (which means way more) chickens! Send your hit man to Mississippi!

  7. Oh Lee, PETA is gonna come knocking at your door soon.

    How could you hire a hitman (I notice you didn't say how you paid your hitman *eyebrows raising*)to kill the widdle cute sea kitten!

    (This post is HILARIOUS!)

  8. I am cracking up at these comments!

    I'm waffling between feeling nervous that I'm gonna get in trouble for this post and excited that we may have a new business model on our hands. A "hit man" for pets - but he'll make it look the pet died from natural causes.

    more later...

  9. I won't tell it was you b/c I agree with you 100%. What mommy wants yet another thing to clean up after?

  10. OMG I just laughed so hard! Our fish too had an utimely death...but still 2 parakeets, a tarantula, and only 1 dog..I just need your hitman for the spider...birds I still am debating.
    My man actually takes care of them cuz I won't!

  11. LOL

    I think you missed a primo opportunity at Christmas time.

    Mommy? Where's the fish?

    Dunno...maybe Santa ate it. Next year, try being good.

  12. i'm afraid, if it's lived this long, it may be more difficult to kill than the hitman realizes. isn't there a "farm" it can go live on??

    oh, and my only other piece of wisdom on this is be prepared for unexpected tears. i have found that kids suddenly love the neglected little creatures more than life itself when they die.

  13. Oh my gosh that's funny...and sad at the same time. Such a guy thing to simply off the fish for you, instead of, oh I don't know offering to help take care of it! :)

  14. Alas, Poor Nemo......

    Um....Good Luck!

  15. Sometimes I smirk, I giggle or maybe even a little Ha! when reading posts. But this had me in hysterics. No I wasn't actually ROFL (who does that EVER?) but I was close...

    We got a fish the same stupid way. Summer Camp and my kids WON fish (really winners?) and home they came. So the husband said 'honey I am gonna run up to Petsmart and grab a fish bowl and food." Off he went. And he returned an HOUR later with the Odyessy 2000. A huge, self filtering, bubbling 6 gallon TANk for two feeder goldfish. Oh and the roman ruins for the bottom of the tank too. Total cost was $100! So this thing goes on my kitchen counter and took up half of the counter. After 2 weeks NO ONE. NO ONE cared about the dang fish (Einstein and Cosmo)...I talk to them while I am making diner, cleaning kitchen etc. After about 6 frickin months the husband comes home from work with a fish in a bag- to ADD the Odyessy 2000. Why? I don't know.

    But guess what? Turns out certain kinds of catfish EAT goldfish. So we woke up and no more Eistein and Cosmo. Now we were just stuck with Hannable Lecter (sp?). I fluched that sucker down the toilet as soon as the kids left for school. Cleaned out the Odyessy and put it in the garage. And you know what? NO ONE noticed.

    (world record longest comment EVER!)

    I am totally stumbling this post!!

  16. Sometimes I swear that we live under the same roof.

  17. Oh my gosh Lee, you make me laugh out loud.

  18. We won a fish at a fair. It, um, broke a few days later. Son #1 was devastated. I got him a new one. It "broke" too. Those damn fish break within minutes of brining them home. I cannot believe yours has lasted so long.

    Still, Lee, get ready to comfort your babies when the fish goes belly up. Then you will have to buy a new one.

    And that, my friend, will be your punishment!!

  19. If you make the kids feed it they may feed it too much and that would be horrible - the fish might die ;)

  20. That was an awesome post. I was seriously cracking up at your description of said fish. Hey ... ya know ... the fish could die and go away and maybe the death doesn't even need to be acknowledged. Maybe CR won't even miss it?

    Also, I love the business idea. I'll be your first customer as my mother is wishing her dog would go to heaven and my father will have nothing to do with it ... Saint Rocky.

  21. Sleep with the fishes takes on a whole new meaning eh?



  22. Oh no! Have a playdate or something. Play a game. Let another kid win and they can win the fish!

  23. You just made the suggestion... you can't be accountable for his actions.

  24. and I have a pond, and had this great idea to get 20 gold fish for it. by the end of summer we had to start thinking about housing the 12 that lived. peanut loved them too, so we had try to let them live. I gave 3 to my mom, and keep the other 9. Thank god we had a hot fall b/c of the heat 4 died right off the bat. Then 2 more,finaly 1 more kicked the bucket,and I was left with 2 goldfish. 2 of my moms had died, and after they got the new tank the other one regained it's energy. finally when we were only left with one fish in the tank we paund it off on my mom, and the two live happily together. Rock on hit man.....and I believe if you ask for forgiveness then you won't have it hanging over your head in the end....or something like that.

  25. Oh, I'm laughing.... I guess once you put the hit out you can't take it back. Start practicing your "everything dies" lecture, if anyone notices the box is missing one morning, that is.

  26. goldfish - they die when u don't want them to, and other times - they live FOREVER!!!

  27. I just want to get this straight: I'm reading about the pre-meditated, post-dated death of a goldfish. Right?


  28. Well let's hope this post is inadmissible in court!

  29. You're a FISH KILLER!!!!

    Nobody cares about that fish, but you, huh? That is some tough life for a fish.... ;^D

  30. Oh my gosh... we have a fish like that! No one feeds the dang thing and I am the only one who changes the water! and it stinks!

  31. I'm amazed the fish has lived this long! Our winners never lasted more than a week or two at most.

    Isn't their a pond or stream nearby? You can "dispose of the body" without having to commit the crime.

  32. Wow peeps -this life and death matter is really get this comment section hopping! I guess I need to consider killing more of my pets. Just think what would happen if I had written this about my DOG!!!

    But really - is a dog any better than a fish? I woke up with night sweats about this issue wondering when my hit man might strike. I'm thinking of hiding the fish and pretending the death happened already - naturally. I'll still pay the hit man of course.

    Then when the whole thing passes over I'll bring out the fish from hiding. No one will notice either way. This all about me. For once. Yikes.

  33. OMG - I'm totally laughing!!

    Thanks, I needed that.

    Repeat after me, "all drains lead to the ocean."

    And what an awesome hubs wanting to take one for the team.

    Is that the toilet flushing?

  34. I would start thinking about who is going to explain why its okay to flush the fish down the toilet when it dies and where it goes after that.

    But if it was me. I would have just made sure the water in the tank was as hot as it gets and the water you keep it in while you clean the shit tank was as cold as it gets. The temp shock kills em every time.

  35. Hilarious. But free the fish; don't kill it.

  36. Okay, gal, I'm your 39th (thirty ninth!!!!!) comment on this post. Wow!

    I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard--thanks!!

    Rest in peace dear...uh...goldfish?

  37. cleaning fish shit is gross but watching them poop is fascinating. well, for a five year old which is how old I was at the time of this wonderful moment


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