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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The journey makes us one.

When I became a mother, everything shifted.  From the moment, the moment, CR entered the world.   Literally, I was one person while I labored for 27 hours and pushed for almost three, and then I was another, when she finally slipped into the world.   I knew that would happen. That's why I was so deathly afraid. 

My post of two days ago got me thinking and actually doing some tossing and turning about how my "crossing over" all of a sudden felt vastly different to what I perceive other women's journeys to be.  But a few comments made me breathe a little sigh of relief knowing I wasn't that alone after all, hence my whole reason for starting this friggin' blog.   Reaching out to a wider community I knew might exist.  My experiment.

Now that my feet are planted semi-firmly on the "other side" (don't get me wrong, I'd like to jump back from time to time),  I understand that we all come to our motherhood in a bazillion different ways.  

So tonight, I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing a few words about your path to becoming a mother.   

As usual, I'll begin...


  1. It was the most gut-wrenching, soul-searching, physical and emotional tug-o'-war with the unknown that thank God ended in a Fiji-ocean-blue pool of crazy and heart-bursting love. And that's the short version of course...

    and you?

  2. You know how they say pregnant women are beautiful and they glow? Eff that! I was big, fat, hot (gave birth in September to the big monkey in the San Fernando Valley!) and hormonal! I gained 45 lbs with the big monkey and I'm only 5'2". I gained "only" 35 with the little monkey but by then had stretch marks on my stretch marks. I hate needles, so giving blood was torture. I developed sciatica (sp) and in general hated pregnancy. But in the end it was ALL WORTH IT! As soon as they put each child on me I fell in love. Then when each learned how to properly latch on, and I stopped screaming in pain, I felt that things were as they should be.

  3. I remember when my oldest was born (he's 11 now and weighed 10.4 oz. I'm 5'3" and while I won't reveal my weight, I will say I am in the "healthy" range!) and they handed him to me, I had a few tears of joy (I'm not much of a crier) but was also thinking "Oh my god, this is MY baby. Now what do I do? What have we gotten ourselves into?"

  4. I think you've given me an idea...

    Maybe not.

    My first, I was so young. And when she was born, she terrified me. I was so...mind-numbingly...depressed. And I had no clue what to do about that, so I lashed out at every single person around. I wanted, no, needed that moment of bonding with her, but I got in my own way too much of the time.

    My second, he was so perfect when he was born, and then we realized he was...well, just not. Three chambers in his heart instead of four, appointments, surgeries, medications. He became my "purpose" in life, and sometimes I think that took away from him just being my "baby."

    My third...I was in the most amazing place in life. Happy, fit, healthy, and she's got the best version of me so far.

    You and I, Lee, we're more alike than I think even WE have realized yet. ;)

  5. We had quite a struggle that ended us at a fertility specialist. I was so panicked I'd waited too long to have kiddos.
    Seems I was so focused for so long on getting pregnant, that when Miss Peach came along, I was totally unprepared for actually having a baby!

  6. I had a 22+ hour labor with a 4 hour pushing phase. I also had a homebirth. When I first saw my little life was changed forever, however, the first couple of weeks I was scared to much as I loved her, I felt I didn't know how to care for her and begged my mom to come stay with me...she didn't of course and I had to learn on my own...but I'm glad we worked it out...she's the light of my life!

  7. I'm like the rubber band that's been stretched farther than intended. I didn't break, but I'll never get my shape back again, figuratively and literally.

  8. Fear. Thats all that was going through my mind - I was not prepared to be pregnant let alone be a mom. We weren't even engaged let alone married yet! (Gasp! - I'm sure you remember it well, Lee) Needless to say - it was a very scary time for me. I kind of felt like I was in a bubble and the only one in the history of time that was REALLY going to have a baby. As far as I remember pre-pregnancy, I never really was one to display any particular innate motherly instinct that could help me post birth either. Basically I was screwed all the way around. So on the outside I was mostly cool as a cuke as I am most of the time, but inside and in private...lots of panic, pain, tears, laughter, loss of sleep, tears, panic, pain, maniacal laughter, etc etc etc you get the picture.
    June 5, 1995 was tough, but guess what... I survived the 12 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing! And once I saw the perfect little creature we created - I mean, there are no words... When they wrapped her up like a little burrito and laid her in my arms, she was just so darn sweet - and already displaying dimples in her sleep. Wow. Mom-hood has never been a cinch for me - but that baby got to me that day like nothing else ever had. Thirteen years later and I still am hooked!

  9. At age 30, I felt "ready" to have a baby (whatever that means). We'd been married for a few years, both had good jobs, a home, etc. It just seemed right. I had a blissful pregnancy (with the exception of major nausea in the beginning), labored for 12 hours and pushed for 10 minutes. He latched on and nursed within minutes of being born. Sound too perfect?

    I wasn't "in love" with this little guy like everyone describes. Two weeks into motherhood, I remember sobbing at 2am, sleep-deprived with sore nipples telling my husband (in complete sincerity), "we've made a big mistake". I felt for certain that we had really screwed up our lives...but it was too late. We were trapped forever. It's embarassing to admit such horrible feelings.

    So, motherhood happened for me much more slowly, over the course of the next few weeks. I got a little more sleep, my sore nipples healed a little, and this beautiful baby worked his way into my heart. Before long, I was hooked, loving him with an intensity I hadn't known my heart to be capable of.

  10. Hey my fellow mamas, thank you so much for these stories - I absolutely adore each and every one. These were truly my favorite to read....

  11. well.. I started young.. got pregnant at 18. My baby was born prematurely on Christmas eve almost 18 years ago. She weighed 1 lb 11 1/2 oz. It was hard seeing her with needles from IV's in her head, legs and arms. She was in NICU (neonatal ICU) for 4 months and got to come home when she was 4 lbs 4 oz. Heart and lung monitor strapped on for the first year of her life. It was hard

    Today, she is beautiful, talented, smart, and absolutley NO health problems associated with her prematurity. She is college bound.

    I had her brother 11 months 2 days later (yeah I thought motherhood was a breeze when she was still in the hospital) He weighed alonst 8 lbs and will be 17 (if I let him live that long) Wednesday.

    It's been a struggle, but an experience I am thrilled to have had!


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