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Friday, April 17, 2009

My Kafkaesque Metamorphosis

Written by Deb

Won't you accompany me on a little time travel today? Let's begin by rewinding 15 years...

My hubby and I took a little ski vacation to Stowe, Vermont. Hubs had never skied before, but was willing to give it a try, because it was something I had enjoyed since childhood. There we were, at the top of the mountain, in all our purple neon glory. One of us (not me) may have even been wearing a purple neon beret. I think it was on the very first run of the day when my husband began to fall. A lot. And then he fell some more. He finally got so frustrated that he took off his skis and walked down the mountain. I laughed. He didn't.

Fast forward roughly 10 years...

Our family had grown to four, and we thought we'd give skiing another try. Hubs was determined not to repeat history and signed up for a private lesson. Moody Teen, who was then known as Moody, Hyper, Extremely Unpredictable Child, jumped on his skis and took off. That kid was clearly born to ski. No instructions needed. Just give him some snow and a good vertical drop, and he was happy. Sweet Mr. Beans (who we affectionately called Mr. Serious at the time) was another matter, altogether. He clearly inherited his skiing skill set from his dad. Lots of falling. Lots of out-of-control flailing. It was at that point that I was permanently partnered with Sweet Mr. Beans, basically to keep him alive. I was the most comfortable and experienced, and could ski perfectly well, while propping him up or digging him out.

Fast forward another 2 or 3 years...

My husband's lessons had clearly paid off, as he was now not only keeping up with me, but passing me. He was faster than I, and more importantly, technically better. Not to mention, his ski fashion sense had significantly improved. This enabled him to ski with Moody, hitting black slopes, moguls, and all the other features that I had no desire to encounter. Sweet Mr. B continued to plod along, making s l o w progress. His interest sort of dwindled, so Hubs and Moody would take several weekend trips alone, throughout the season, honing their now-somewhat-impressive talents.

Which brings us to last week...

We arrive in Whistler, home of the biggest and best ski resort in all of North America. Within 24 hours, Hubs and Moody are jumping out of a helicopter, skiing through knee-deep powder, far above the tree line. Beans is in a lesson, and my fingers are crossed. 

24 hours after that, Moody is landing 360's in the terrain park, Beans has miraculously conquered blue slopes and I am starting to feel less needed. 24 hours after that, I am exhausted and unable to keep up with any of them. I get left behind somewhere mid-mountain and end up taking quite the impressive spill... pole gouging my eye, knocking off my googles, face-planting in the snow, knocking the wind out of me. I sit there, stunned, holding snow up to my eye, out of which I am convinced there is blood pouring. I hobble down to the bottom, only to find Mr. Beans and Hubs all happy and gloaty about Beans's first run down a black slope. I try to congratulate him, but can only think about needing my pupils monitored.

The next morning, everyone is ready to hit the slopes, and I can't seem to move out of the bed. There is whispering in the next room, with the guys holding some sort of straw-drawing to figure out who will be stuck skiing with me for the day. I happily throw in the towel, send them on their way, and go back to bed... My job as ski mentor clearly a thing of the past.

With all of my little chicks out of the snow nest and much more proficient on skis than I, it might be time to hang up my skis. Now I'm not saying I won't go with them on their ski trips... I will just need to find something else to do. 

Hot Toddy, anyone?


  1. OMG- now you can hang with me!! I hung up my skis many years ago. (Mainly because I couldn't pick my 60 pounds of extra cargo, but whatever) I LOVE when they all leave and go skiing and leave me to shop and gamble and cook and read ALL ALONE. It's a real vacation.

  2. And I've never been skiing in my life so I'll be there at the fireplace with drink in hand waiting for you and JJBB both to come back from shopping.

    That story is very symbolic of life itself thought isn't it? They get older and dont need us as much (or at all) anymore and then they're gone. Oh crap, now I've probably depressed you.

  3. sounds like you had fun.. I took a vacation after 2 freaking years and i ended up working there, in New Delhi India./. May be am cursed

  4. Me too!! Me too!!! We could all wear those super expensive ski clothes and furry boots and flirt with the ski instructors.

    I hate skiing anyway. What's the point, really? No one broke a leg (or gouged an eye) lounging on a beach reading a book.

  5. I saw your little hat peeking out.

  6. LOL...I will be hangin with deb by the fireplace with drink in hand...I dont ski

  7. I'm with you. Snow is only fun when you are admiring it from the warm side of a window. When you have to be IN it, it just makes you ugly.

  8. I am not a fan of snow or skiing. I am a total whiner if I get cold. I love looking at it and seeing my kids play in it though!

  9. Not a skier here, but I can join you at the spa!

  10. Great Job Deb,

    Nice to know that they can make it on their own. I'm sure that you'll find something exciting to do while they're away.

  11. Make sure your next trip involves the best ski LODGE in North America! Good drinks, good food, good spa... sounds like a great vacation to me.

  12. that is my worst nightmare. I already tried to take mt.mad boarding and he failed miserable, and with peanut being the dare devil she is, I have no doubt she will pick up skiing fast with her uncle P. And soon I fear I will be left behind!

  13. Fabulous post! I felt like I was right there with you!

    I took out a senior citizen ski lesson (about 15 people) on the bunny hill my first time on skis. There was a lot of flailing of arms and legs...not pretty at all...

  14. I have never been brave enough to try skiing!

  15. I failed ski school. I never returned. I admire hubs perseverance.

    You've graduated! Now when you go on vacation you can do whatever you want!

  16. I've never skied...but the kids all do. I am a whimp and hate the cold. I'm glad you all made it home without any serious injuries.

  17. Aw, Deb, I felt like I was sitting right there with you on the slopes...watching you hold that snow on your poor eye.

    I say "to heck" with sitting in the lodge next time. Let the guys go and do their thing and get out there and conquer some slopes on your own!! You were just a little rusty, that's all!!

  18. I'd love a hot toddy!

    The only skiing I've ever done is water skiing. And that sucks. Especially when you lose your bathing suit top. See? The therapy paid off! I can talk about it now without hyperventilating.

  19. i can't ski either. give me a tropical a beach anyday

  20. Well, I'm not toooo far from Whistler...might give you something to do for a day while they're skiing ;) lol! ;) Personally, I've never been a fan of participating in any sport that has an ambulance included as necessary equipment.

  21. You know, you still have me beat on this one. I have only gone skiing maybe twice in my life. Both times were a complete JOKE. I got to the top of a mountain in Montana and FROZE...went down on my butt the whole way, crying. I was seventeen.

    Anyway, I'll enjoy that hot toddy with you anytime!

  22. A ski getaway without the skiing sounds awesome to me! bring some books, and chill out in the lodge, baby!


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