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Monday, September 28, 2009

A Weekend of A Marine Layer Fog of Mothering with One Breakthrough of A Clear Sunny State of Mind

Written by Lee

I realize that I spend too much of my mothering days in a haze. A brain fog. A preoccupied state of mind with zillions of lists and to-dos racing through my head. A step away. An inability to live in the moment. With a look in my eyes and a smile on my face that may seem a tad distant.

Am I here?

Can anyone really grasp me as I fluctuate between guiding and ordering and forcing and bribing and smiling and yelling and crying and folding and cleaning and moving? Always moving.

There's no stillness in this gig of motherhood. Except maybe, just maybe, in the middle of a dark night when I'm sitting in my rocker with my 2-year-old dude in my lap while the moonlight streams in around the edges of the shades. And the slow creak of the rocker that has glided and rocked all of my babies for the last seven years seeps into my thick skull and lulls me into the moment. Finally.


Maybe that's why I'm still waking up at least once a night with one of my kids. And deep down maybe I'm not that bummed about it. I'm okay with three-thirty AM. Only there is where I find the stillness and when I feel the quiet.

Moments of this weekend challenged my mama soul to the core. Defiance. Disobedience. Irreverence. Attitude. Sending me into my worst state of mamadom. That blood-boiling point where I feel raw with every nerve exposed and any minor thing makes my voice sound like a shriek no matter what I say. A squeal of laughter only sounds like a scream. Each voice yelling "MAAAAA.....MAAAAAA" sends me into a tirade. The stuff left to do crushes me and I stand pissed off at the kitchen sink mumbling under my breath about how damn annoying this mama gig can be.

And the haze thickens. That marine layer fog in my brain drifts in and hovers. And I am gone.

Am I here?

But as the weekend winds to a close and my three spirited souls are now simply my sleeping beauties and my boiling blood has started to simmer down and I'm able to take a few deep breaths and the tightness in my heart relaxes and the good vibes start to circulate once again, my mind decides to go to the sunniest part of our time together where clarity and calm and fun and love and just us broke through the haze and warmed my soul.....

A couple hours spent on the sidewalk with our hearts and eyes wide open and clearly able to see the stuff that truly sustains us through the blurry times.

Here's a glimpse of that sunny sky time. Phoebe's first day riding her bike SANS training wheels. Taken with our new gadget of a video camera that my gadget-obsessed husband bought for us.

Here's to sunny skies!!!!


  1. The victory dance is priceless.

    So is the look on Hub's face when T. takes the dive.

    It's life. And I love it. And hearing your voice :-)

  2. Oh, and I so get the marine layer fog thing. But it sounds a lot nicer than Dallas air pollution levels.

  3. Love your beautiful words.

    And how fantastically cute is your family???

    Love the ending with the dramatic Tommy wipe-out :)

    Oh! And loved hearing your voice. Miss you!

  4. I love how proud she is of herself. Truly an amazing accomplishment.

  5. now see? if you would have put the new gadget on a tripod and then strapped the tripod onto brio trains, you could have gotten a much more realistic and dynamic shot of phoebs riding her bike.

    what a gorgeous family. and a happy one. i am pretty sure they are feeling the love through all that thick fog.

    and congratulations to ms. independent biker. another step...

  6. Ohhhhhhhh. Loved to see Phoebe's beautiful, proud and brilliant face as she masters the two wheels.

    Also, love the post about the fog. Why is it that so much of our mind resides in the fog?

    My mind is currently in a windstorm tornado and hurricane as I'm blowing my nose, achy, sleepy, and cranky. This mama is having a bad weather day. Hopefully my fog will lift and, as yours, provide some clear skys soon.

    PS. Also feeling guilty that I don' have EITHER of my kids on video when they first started riding two wheels. Thank God for your gadget-happy husband!

  7. I come in and out of the fog myself. It does seem to clear some as they get older - maybe because they are at school all day and there is some quiet time.

    Love the video!

  8. "I can do it myself! Maybe I can do it myself"...philosophical little munchkin, isn't she? Loved the video, I never caught that stuff on tape, not the big firsts or anything; though we do still have an old CASETTE TAPE of my then-3yr old-twins singing songs and giggling...soooo cute. Wish I had more...

    Good for you,Lee

  9. This makes me miss you guys so.much.more. I love how proud Phoebes is of herself. That little wiggle dance at the end is priceless. When's the last time any of us felt such pride in an accomplishment?? And if we did, we certainly didn't dance about it. Gosh, I love the innocence of kids.

    Also loving your little dude trying to skateboard. All in good time, sweet Tommy.

    Love you guys :-)

  10. Look at her go!!!! My seven year old still insists on training wheels!

    programming note: some people have told me that they aren't getting the feed for my blog in their readers since I switched names. You may need to resubscribe (or unfollow and then follow me again.) Sorry for the mixup everyone!!

  11. Leave it to the Love Fairy to bring her crazy mama back to reality...
    There truly is nothing like learning to ride a "2-wheeler" that makes a child feel like they're FINALLY a big kid. What an accomplishment! Congrats to Phoebe and her proud family!

  12. It's those proud moments that make it all worthwhile -- the growly, cajoling, cranky times kinda fade in the glow on your daughter's face!


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