Seems a lot of my problems with other people, with life, with my family, can all be fixed with a simple change in my thinking... altering my perception. Sounds easy enough, doesn't it? After all, didn't I read somewhere that recognizing I have a problem is half the battle? Well, I recognize plenty, and I have even gone so far as to figure out what new thoughts could be implemented to bring about more peace, self-acceptance and less stress in my life. There's only one small problem: I don't know how to change the channel in my brain.
The thoughts that I currently have are so ingrained in my head, I don't really even realize when I am thinking them. On top of that, on the rare occasion I can stop and recognize that I am engaging in destructive thought, it only magnifies the thought! I'll be sitting here, literally thinking, "Oh now Deb, that's not a healthy thought. You know that you really don't want to lock your oldest son in a sound-proof cage. You need to just count to 95 the next time you two get into it. You really do love him."
Well, now, the visualization of the cage and me throwing away the key just gets more vivid. Next thing I know, I am even more mad, having to waste so much of my brain power on trying to restrain myself from killing my child.
It doesn't seem fair that self-improvement is so much work. It would be nice if just realizing I need to change would result in the desired improvement. But, as we all know, it doesn't work that way. So how does it happen? Meditation? Prayer? Tie a ribbon around my finger?
I am all about the handing it over to God approach, but I see a couple of problems with that. One, I have already assigned him a couple of long term projects that he's working on, and two, I kind of subscribe to that whole "God helps those who help themselves" thing. I think the actual changes in my thought and behavior rest squarely on my shoulders.
I think a lot of people probably don't have this problem, because they aren't neurotic, like I am. I am inside of my head way too much, turning things over, analyzing everything. Even this.
So... Where is that damn magic wand when I need it?