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Thursday, April 9, 2009

I could get rich doing Sass

Written by Sass 

A few years ago, I had a friend who lived in Chicago. I went to visit her one weekend, and she took me to a party unlike any I'd ever been to before.

For those of you who have any knowledge of Chicago, you may be able to better understand the neighborhood we were in. It was on the South side, on California Avenue (Street?). The Cook County jail was nearby. Needless to say, it was a little rougher neighborhood than I was used to.

My friend and I pulled up at the party and she said, "I forgot to mention we'd probably be the only non-Latinas here." I was fine with that, and we headed in for the party.

Once I got in, I saw the "hostess" of the party. She was standing near the center of the room, next to a table piled high with different bottles, brochures, and other items. In her hands she held the biggest, blackest, most life like rubber penis I'd ever seen. I saw the different women walking up to it, touching it, laughing about it, commenting on how they'd use it. I stood there with my mouth wide open, and tried so hard not to stare.

We sat down in a circle, and the hostess asked for a volunteer. One of the women nearly jumped out of her seat, ready to subject herself to whatever may lie ahead. She was handed a bottle of cream, was asked to apply it to her, uh...self, and come back into the room and sit still. Again, I found myself sitting there with my mouth wide open, wondering what in the heck I'd gotten myself in to.

Every possible vibrator you could possibly imagine was passed around. At one point we were asked to place one against the tip of our nose. I didn't know much, but I was relatively sure that we were doing it wrong. Occasionally, the girl with the cream on her hoo-ha would exclaim, "It's working! It's worrrrkiiinnnnnggggg."

Then we saw the catalog. I was so intimidated, I figured I'd better buy something so that I wouldn't seem rude. Surely there was something I could handle. I bought a tub of "Angel Dust," honey flavored body powder with glitter in it. My friend bought a "shower massager," and we both just sat in amazement.

I perused the catalog a little more intensely and realized...these vibrators are downright expensive. The deluxe rabbit model, fully equipped with a night-light, separate gas and oil tanks, and a hemi went for 80 dollars. I saw women deciding which model they wanted. Did they need a pull start? Would a 12 volt battery be strong enough? Is diesel really the best way to go? Won't the smell of exhaust fumes negatively mix with the cinnamon flavored nipple grease?

I saw money flying out of purses. Credit cards being overworked. Deals being negotiated between friends, "You pay for it and I'll let you borrow it on Tuesdays." Did she just? Oh, yes...she did.

Amongst the fury, I came to a realization. This is a freaking brilliant business to get into. An endless supply of sexual apparati, for a seemingly endless supply of sexual demand. At the end of the party, I overheard the hostess tell her friend what the final sales total was that night. In a crowded apartment on the South Side of Chicago, in a room full of Latina women...$6,750 worth of sex toys had been purchased. That's right. Six THOUSAND...Seven HUNDRED...and fifty dollars. In two hours.

I decided to purchase a few more things, you know...for research purposes only, of course. I went home and got on the website of the company the girl was selling for.

My packet should be arriving soon...


  1. I cannot even write something witty or clever. You, this story, and all the images that are now in my head are AWESOME! I am speechless, for the first time in my life.

  2. *blinks*



  3. Freakin' lucrative little side business, isn't it? Invite me to your next party, miss hostess.

  4. Always remember to close your mouth at those kinds of parties!

    And the bunny rabbit one is DEFINITELY worth every penny. I mean, that's what I hear. ;)

  5. Never tried it on the tip of my nose. Interesting.

  6. I can't believe they're powered by diesel. In this day and age I would hope they would be friendlier to the environment. Solar-powered perhaps.

  7. I have been invited to one of these parties before, but have never gone. The last one was a girl from work and I just couldn't see going to a party and passing around penis's and then going back into a meeting with these people and being able to keep a straight face:)

    So Sass, when is yours? In this economic time people are looking for cheaper recreations....the reusable gift:)

  8. Wait...why did that come up anonymous? Sorry.

  9. Damn...I've never gotten invited to a party like that and I'm pretty familiar with that area of town! Clue me in next time Sass!

  10. Sounds like a business you could really sink your teeth into. I can hear the company sales meeting now, "Sass is shaking up the vibrator world with her ten thousand dollar parties."

  11. Oh my word!

    (sorry, I just tried some of that hoo ha cream).

    Girl, you are hysterical. And I'm pretty sure exhaust fumes would kill the moment for me.

    I'm green like that.

  12. it seems rather a recession proof investment start up, no?

    (have you been contacted by Drew as well??)

  13. Vibe on the end of the nose? Yep, been there. done that

    The hoo-ha cream sounds intriguing.

  14. Mike ~ That's the greatest compliment like...EVER.

    Everyone else...I can't see myself really doing this. I mean, I've got the right sense of humor for it, but I'd spend every dime I made on products.

    Wait...did I just write that? Yup. ;)

  15. You go girl. I think you need to start a new blog reviewing your products. Hmmmm ... could be very interesting.

  16. what is that saying, sex sells.

  17. Ok that is hilariously crafted. My wife has been to one of these little gem parties. Pretty interesting results. Thanks for the laughs.

  18. And I've only ever been invited to stupid Party Lite parties?! Unfair! *pout*

  19. I think I need a cold shower after reading this post, Sass!

    Maybe you should have bought me dinner first...


  20. Yeowza! That is a lot of revenue!

    Yeah, I think $80 is about the going price.

    So I've HEARD, of course :)

  21. I obviously need better friends. I only get invites to freaking Mary Kay crap and Candle Lite crud. *sulks*

    Hilarious post, Sass!

  22. All I can say is that I knew it wouldn't be long before vibrators made their way onto the pages of MWOB. Thank you Sass...I appreciate it more than you'll ever know....


  23. is this the same thing as a pampered chef party? i've heard of them, but never been to one...

  24. The days of Tupperware parties seem pretty tame now. Of course, they could make an appropriate container shaped to HOLD your, uh, purchase - maybe in camouflage?


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