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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

From the mouth of Sass

If you don't already know this chick over here with the mug, it's Sass.  I'm sure you know her.  And if you don't, you should.  I started reading her very very early in my blog life and I plan to read her for as long as I'm around town.  She's fresh, real, funny as hell, full of heart, and uh, sassy.  Sass agreed to guest post for me while I'm away doing what mamas do when they're away. Enjoy...

As a mother of three children, it takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. I don’t jump every time I hear one of them say “ouch.” When they come to me to speak of the injustices brought upon them by their siblings, I calmly say, “Are you bruised, bleeding, or broken? No? Then, please don’t tattle.” When they politely inform me of the all the ways Joseph’s mom, or Kylie’s dad, or Bella’s Uncle Ray are so much better than me, I smile and thank them for their input. 

So the other night, when I was asked to pick up a child to transport her to a meeting, I thought nothing of it. The child in question is, according to every adult who knows her, an insufferable pain in the behind, but I am a good person. I was willing to help her get to where she needed to go, and maybe get her away from her psychotic parents for a couple hours. Wait, did I just go there? Why yes, I do believe I did.

I picked up the little girl, and instantly we were engaged in conversation. The only way to tell you about this conversation is in a “transcript” format, so I’ll do that here. Keep in mind that sometimes eye-witness accounts are “colored” by the person’s own biases, so the words I used may not be 100% accurate. These words may not have actually escaped my lips, but trust me…oh, trust me my friend, they were the words in my head.

Bad Kid (BK): (immediately after getting in the car) Your car is a mess, Mrs. Sass.
Perfect Mom Sass (PMS): Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed that.
BK: You have wrappers and stuff all over the car. Maybe you should clean it up.
PMS: Well, yes, that is a good thought. But I’m sure a busy mommy, you know.
BK: Too busy to clean your car? That’s bad. You don’t even work! What are you so busy with?
PMS: Oh, you know. Volunteering, helping at the school, giving rides to snot-nosed little ingrates whose mothers are too high on crack to take them to a meeting 5 blocks down the road. Things like that.
BK: So I bet if you’re too busy to clean your car, I bet your house is a mess!
PMS: No, no, I keep the house much cleaner. That way when the police scrub for fingerprints, they’ll find nothing.
BK: Maybe you should decide to clean it tomorrow. Because it’s really disgusting.
PMS: No, I think maybe you should clean it for me. Only I wouldn’t ask you to do that, because you’d probably get snot and boogers all over it and then I’d be in quite a predicament. What with the DNA and all…
BK: You’re really funny, Mrs. Sass. Even though you’re dirty.

So here I stand today, feathers completely unruffled, feelings completely unhurt. Here I stand. In my garage. With a Shop-Vac and some leather cleaner.

Not because she was right, or anything….


  1. I'm confused by all of this and I'm having an attack.


  2. Sass - thank you for sharing - I COMPLETELY relate. My car has become trashy/junk/spills/food/drinks/more spills/kid car and my husbands still remains pristine, we're LUCKY to ever get to ride in it! :) - God forbid we ever eat a CRACKER in his truck - so many CRUMBS! Yikes! Anyway, there are times for cleaning out the car and times, well, you know, when there are about a thousand other things that you'd rather be doing, right? Like painting your nails and having long, peaceful lunches with your girlfriends. Anyway, what is it about children these days that have no respect for their overworked and under-appreciated elders!!!!

  3. Oh man....did that hit a nerve with car is disgusting filth! Isn't it great to know that everyone thinks us SAHMs do nothing all day....haven't they ever heard of blogging!!!

  4. Smart mouthed kids who belong to other people are evil. when they are my own smart mouthed kids? Only slightly evil.

  5. this is why i only like MY kids!! haha

  6. Great job Sass. I like your style.

    However, I'd really like to know how you stay so calm through it all????

  7. Tell me where she lives, Sass. I'll have my friend Vitto visit her and fit her for some concrete Crocs.

  8. I am being a total ego-maniac and checking in on these comments...

    You guys are seriously as nutty as me.

    LOVE IT!!!!

  9. I think maybe I need to pop out a few kids just so it will make me use my brain a bit more. You're so quick-witted!

  10. Sass - you are much better than me. I probably would have popped the kid in the mouth. The funny thing is, I wonder if I know the kid in real life...I would die laughing if I did...Thank God it isn't one of my kids!

  11. Oh Sass, thanks for the freakin' good laugh. My sides hurt. Literally. You are one funny chick...I'm gonna have to check out your blog!

  12. good thing i wasn't driving or i would have left her butt on the curb.

    my car is the same way. i do okay with the front, but as you travel to the back seat, it gets a little frightening. by the third row... well, i just don't ever go back there, but i've heard from neighborhood kids that it's pretty rank.

  13. I love Sass!! And I would just have to reach around and give that kid a good slap. Either that or ditch her on the curb so she can critisize the sidewalk and the neighborhood yards.

  14. If you saw my car right now, you'd feel oh so in control of all things car cleanliness. Seriously. It's gross.

  15. My car is only clean because my hubby keeps it that way, if it were up to me to keep things clean in there it would be a MESS.

    Why do people think it is okay to teach their kids to talk to other people with such attitude?


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