So yesterday I was going through a stack of papers in our little office/den/art room/whatever and I found this:
So I go over to CR ('cause it's obvious it's her style), kneel down beside her and I ask in my sweet mellow mama voice (which is too rare obviously):
"Hey CR, what's this?"
"What am I doing?"
(And I already know the friggin' answer - I'm just hoping here. I mean, my eyes are closed and well, it does say "Haaaaaa" - I could be laughing)
"You're yelling," CR replies calmly.
(My mind racing wondering what kind of long-term damage I might be doing.)
Me again: "When did you draw this?"
"Oh, one time after you yelled at me and I was crying and I drew this."
And with that I turned and walked out of the room. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little bummed and a bit concerned and just, kinda shitty.
When I showed this drawing to my dude later that night, he said "Well, at least you have your eyes closed and you look kinda peaceful when you're yelling."
He knew I needed to hear that just then 'cause he's that kind of dude.
He knows me. He knows I struggle. He doesn't like my yelling either. I'm surprised I haven't found a picture of me yelling drawn by him.
So what to do with this information?
As usual, another moment of mommyhood that brings me to my knees, but in a different kind of way. Making me look deep within and wonder how in the hell I can change this really bad behavior that at times, is just....well, a little much.
I want to get better. I really do. My kids, although they are friggin' crazy energy insane and LOUD (just like their mama), don't deserve the amount of yelling they get from me.
On the flip side of things, I guess I'm happy that CR is working through her feelings and doing her own kind of art therapy. She seems to have gotten over the yelling incident that inspired the drawing.
Isn't that way I should be looking at it?
Or am I fooling myself?